Divorce Wizards

High Conflict Divorce Mediation

Sexual Compatibility and Marriage

How different is too different?

1. Are you and your spouse on the same page about the frequency of sex?
Yes No
That's a good thing. Chances are your marriage and sex life are solid. You should try to solve the other issues in your marriage with a good marriage counselor. You have a good chance of saving your marriage. Trouble in paradise. If you can't reach a compromise on the frequency of making love, there is trouble ahead. You should consult a counselor and try to reach a meeting of the minds and hearts before this problem gets out of hand. Don't despair. It's very solvable.
2. Are you and your spouse on the same page about your style of sex? (I.E., gentle vs. rough; just vaginal sex as opposed to oral sex or anal sex; BDSM and role playing etc)
Yes No
Great! If your sexual styles are compatible, there is a good chance that your marriage will be OK. Seek counseling and work on your other problems! If you don't like the same kind of sex, your marriage may be doomed. Irreconcilable differences is often defined as "we don't get along in bed"
3. Do you like to visit chat rooms?
Yes No
Not good. The problem with it is that your spouse is sitting in the family room watching tv while you are "out for the evening" on your computer. It takes away from the bonding time you have with your spouse and may be the beginning of trouble ahead. Enjoy this sport in moderation. Don't forget your spouse. If you pay attention to them, you may be able to integrate a small amount of this sport into your lives. Great! Since you're not using the internet to escape from Reality, you have a better chance of working out any problems that might exist in your marriage. (Hint: if you're at all curious about chat rooms, check them out with your spouse! Remember, your spouse can probably figure out where you visit on the Internet.)
4. Are you having an affair?
Yes No
Having an affair may not kill a marriage. If you have an epiphany and end the affair and try to work on your marriage, you probably can save it. Most spouses are forgiving of an affair if you really eat crow, humble yourself and try to make them feel better about it If you do tell you spouse, tell them in a gentle and kind way. If you don't, treat them very nicely as penance for your betrayal. If you refuse to end your affair, you may well have to end your marriage. While having an affair may not kill a marriage, it's a great way to start. If you've been married for a long time, a sudden crfush on someone can be surprising and disorienting, so if you have strong feelings for someone, talk with your spouse and seek maritial counseling.
5. Do you have an "open" marriage?
Yes No
A couple with an open marriage are referred to as "swingers" today. Being a swinger is a lot of fun and is sexuality cloaked in a facade of openess. In our opinion, swinging is an escape from intimacy. It's a way to avoid your spouse and intimacy in your marriage. If you are swinging, there is a good chance your marriage will end in divorce. At some point, one of you will be tired of swinging and want some real lovin'. That's when it will all fall apart. If you and your spouse see eye-to-eye on your relationship style you've got a good chance of working through any other relationship issues that you might have.
6. Have you ever asked your spouse to perform a sex act that freaked them out?(I.E. rough sex, talking dirty, anal sex, oral sex, bondage, role playing etc)
Yes No
If this kind of sex is really really important to you, and your spouse is totally freaked out by the idea, will probably eventually seek this kind of sex elsewhere. See #4, above. Great! It sounds like you're fairly sexually compatible, which is a good sign.
7. Are you a sex addict?(Do you engage in sexual acts that are driven, compulsive and hidden? Do you masturbate many times a day or use the internet to access pornography?)
Yes No
Tell your spouse. Find a 12 step or other program. Get help right away. This disease affects both men and women and is very difficult to recover from. This usually kills a marriage because the acting out behavior often becomes intolerable. The humiliation often becomes overwhelming. Sometimes this illness can lead to unwanted pregancies or sexually transmitted diseases. That's a good sign. If you are sexually satisfied with your spouse (and your spouse is satsified by you!) you're marriage is probably fine.
8. Do you have unusual sexual preferences or fetishes that you haven't discussed with your spouse?
Yes No
Your wife will not be thrilled when she sees her panties are stretched out or someone's been wearing her shoes. Discovering a box of goodies in the closet might not delight your husband. If you like "different" sex, discuss it with your betrothed before you tie the knot. They probably have a strong opinion about it! If you are already married, you should find a counselor and bring the issue into the open so you can discuss and decide how to manage it in the course of your lives. Great! If you can talk about wanting to get it on while your spouse wears a Santa suit (or whatever) your talks about money etc will probably be a breeze!
9. Are you gay?
Yes No
If you are gay, your marriage is probably just for show. If you are both in agreement about that, cool. If you are pretending, it's time to fess up. Also, some people get married before they truly discover their own sexual identity. If this sounds like you, you've got a serious choice to make. Chances are, your marriage may end. Marriages of convenience between gay and straight people are rarely fulfilling for either, so as long as you and your spouse are straight, you've at least got a fighting chance to make it work.
10. Do you collect pornography?
Yes No
If you have children, chances are your spouse will vehemently object to pornography around the house. If you do collect it, you should be very discreet so your children will not see it. If you don't have kids, it's a consensual adult thing. If it;s okay with both of you,then it's okay. Bear in mind, women usually like more erotic, softer porn; men tend to prefer the hard driving sex, sex, sex porn. Great! Your marriage and sex life are probably pretty good. You should try to solve any other problems in your marriage with a good marriage counselor.

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