I have a question regarding the wish that children have for their divorced parents to get back together. My husband and I have been separated for 2 years. Our daughter is having her 10th birthday this month, and I wish to invite my ex-husband and his mother, as well as our daughter's god-parents for a small birthday gathering.

By having her father in the home with us for a celebration, will this only magnify her desire to have us reconcile? Or is it acceptable for us to get together on occasion as a family without jeopardizing any progress we've had in helping her to understand that we will not be reconciling. She still believes and hopes that we may get back together. Any comments or help you or your readers can offer would be appreciated.

Thanks,

KG

It is very normal and very common for children (even grown children) to want their divorced parents to reunite. It is important that parents first recognize that this is an appropriate response from children and not try to shame children out of their desire.

You can say to yor daughter "I understand that you would like to see your dad and I get back together, and that is a very normal wish that children whose parents are divorced have. But it is not very likely that any parents who get divorced will get back together. And I don't see any chance of your dad and I getting back together. But I am glad you can always share your hopes and desires with me. I will never put you down for those."

And second, having both parents present to join in a significant celebration gives your daughter the message that she is so important that you are willing to put aside painful differences in order to have the two people she loves most in the world join in her happiness.

If she sees that you can both celebrate with her she will be less likely to want you to reconcile in order to both be present for important events. Children who see that their parents can act civily toward each other for important occasions and leave to their seperate homes, will carry less fantasies about "if only I could get them in the same room they would remember how wonderful the other one was and then they would get back together." etc.

Putting the celebration of your daughter first is the most wonderful gift you could give her!

By Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

Dr. Lois V. Nightingale is a clinical psychologist, director of the Nightingale Counseling Center in Yorba Linda Ca., and the author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced, a story/workbook that helps children better understand divorce and what they can do to feel better. This book can be purchased from the Divorce Wizards Bookstore.