Diamonds & Pearls

Divorce Closure

2007-05-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

Finding Closure

There are a number of ways to bring closure to your divorce. For some people, closure of the relationship begins when the decision to get divorced is made.

For others, closure comes when the papers are filed or when they are stamped as final by the Judge.

For still others, ongoing counseling helps bring necessary closure - or chatting, consulting or processing with other close friends and professionals.

Some folks like to perform ceremonies - light some sage and burn it in the house to rid the house of the spirit of former mates; rip up some photos or old clothes.

Someone told me about two great web sites that address closure in divorce.

The first, http://www.weddingringcoffins.com Yep - they sell coffins so one can give your wedding ring a full burial ceremony coffin and all. Had to laugh out loud on that one.

Another, highly entrepreneurial person, must also be in L.A. offers divorce party planning. She has ready made invitations, decorations, games to play and so on. Divorce is just another reason to celebrate, I suppose. You can check out this offer at http://www.divorcepartyplanner.com

We're curious, how did you bring closure to your divorce or break up?

Parental Alienation Syndrome and Alec Baldwin

2007-05-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

Parental Alientation Syndrome - when one parent tries to convince their children that the other parent is bad news.

Sometime the Other Parent IS Bad News
Sometimes the other parent is bad news. I had a case a few years ago where the Husband fell in love with his neighbor's wife. To be close to their respective families, Husband and Neighbor's wife rented a house right at the end of the block - so they could be close to their families.

As it turned out, Neighbor's wife was already close with Husband's family since she was their teacher at the local public school.

Got pregnant

Then, as a show of even more closeness, Neighbor's wife got pregnant with Husband's child and - as expected - proudly carried that baby to school each and every day.

Husband accused his wife - soon to be former wife - of parental alientation syndrome. Blaming her for the estrangement of his kids from him.

Why would a parent not want their child to have the love and affection of the other parent? Why would someone be so filled with vengeance they would take it out on their child and try to turn them against their other parent?

Maybe these parents should look within and see where their responsibility lies in the whole parental alienation paradigm, Alec!

Orange County Mediation Day

2007-03-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

Conference
I attended a conference yesterday in honor of Orange County Mediation Day. I went to a workshop presented by my old friend, Mari Frank who is a fabulous speaker. Mari is a nationally recognized expert in Identity Theft and Privacy protection. She has been interviewed on countless national television shows, has written two books and hosts a Wednedsay evening radio show on KUCI-FM.

Privacy in Mediation
One of the points that Mari emphasized is the privacy of mediation. There is no other way to get divorced that protects your privacy as well as mediation. In divorce litigation, every word is public record. Financial records are disclosed in the process and many personal and intimate details of people's lives become part of a court public record.

Confidentiality Protected by Law

The Confidentiality of Mediation is protected by law. There are a number of evidence codes in place to ensure that participants feel comfortable participating in mediation. Mari stressed that privacy is more than just confidentiality. In California, there are a number of laws that protect our privacy. As a matter of fact, the right to privacy is the first right of the California (but not the Federal) constitution.

Mediation is a better divorce choice

Give mediation a try. If you don't like it, you have only wasted an hour of your time and a few hundred dollars. You can always switch to litigation. But if you choose litigation, it will be very hard to switch back to mediation. Be open to it and it will most likely work for you.

California Divorce Update

2007-03-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

Are all the loose ends tied?

Are you divorced? Have you taken care of the necessary details to divide your property, pay off your debt or change your name? Have you bothered to get the QDRO or notarize the interspousal transfer deeds?

If you completed your divorce without attorneys, and sometimes even if you were represented by attorneys, there are loose ends that need to be completed when the Judgment is final. Don't let this happen to you!

Henry gave Lori Money to pay off their debts ---

Henry and Lori completed a simple summary dissolution divorce. On the paperwork, they indicated there were no assets and no debts. They both signed a form stating that. Turns out, there were debts and Henry gave Lori the money to pay them off and remove his name.

Today, Henry and his new wife, Linda want to buy a home. Guess what - Lori did not pay off the bills and Henry is still on the hook for these debts. What makes it worse, is that Henry has no recourse because he indicated in his divorce that there were no debts!

Doug and Monica - remember them ---

Doug was awarded a business/property out of the State of California. Monica should have signed an interspousal transfer deed on this years ago. Now, Doug is selling the property and Monica doesn't want to sign the deed. So Doug's escrow will be interrupted and the entire sale may be jeopardized.

If you need a deed or a qdro; don't know how to complete a name change - let us know - we can help.

Oh No! Spousal Support

2007-01-30T13:00:00.001-08:00

Those of you who are in the middle of or beginning a California divorce will soon learn what the dreaded words "spousal support" mean. Dreaded because if you are the payor, the spousal support will be too much and if you are the payee, the spousal support will not be enough.

The purpose of spousal support is not well defined anywhere so there are a lot of myths as to what spousal support should be. There are those who believe that spousal support should allow both parties to enjoy the same lifestyle as they did when married. There are others who feel that spousal support should serve as a bridge to transition from a married life to a single life. That being said, the goal in California is for both parties to become self supporting some day.

You would think a Dissomaster calculation would be enough to figure this out. But that would be way too simple. Spousal support is far more complicated than that!

A recent case was heard in the California Court of Appeals regarding a Spousal Support Order issued by an Orange County, CA Judge. This case emphasized that spousal support relates to the standard of living of the marriage - not the lifestyle the parties are living today. The other statutory factors in determining spousal support include: contributions to the supporting spouse’s education,
training, or career; the supporting spouse’s ability to pay; the needs of each party, based on the marital standard of living; the obligations and assets of each party; the duration of the marriage; the opportunity for employment without undue interference with the children’s interests; the age and health of the parties; tax consequences; the balance of hardships to the parties; the goal that the supported party be self-supporting within a reasonable period of time; and the fudge factor - any other factors deemed just and equitable by the court.

Let us know what you think about spousal support!

I Hate You...Now Let's Co-Parent

2007-01-25T16:48:00.000-08:00

I have been working with Doug and Monica for seven years now. They have been divorced for about five years and have three children together. We are on a retainer of sorts to help them work through post divorce issues as they come up.

The thing is, this couple totally does not get along! They would probably rather spit at each other than work together on anything, let alone difficult parenting challenges.

The literature encourages parents to get along after divorce "for the sake of the children" and "join together to co-parent". That is probably the ideal. Many divorced people just can't co-parent. So what can they do?

I have created an approach to parenting that I call "Side By Side Parenting". That is a way for parents who can't co-parent to work together to help their kids.

It goes something like this.

Let's say the child is failing in school. He is a smart kid, never had any problems in school - until now. What to do? Try this. Each parent makes a written plan on how they will help the child through this difficult time. Even just a list of ideas - meet with teachers; write a contract; take the child to counseling; review assignments daily; no more sports until grades improve and so on. Then compare lists and mesh them together. Parents can then choose which parts of the plan they will implement.

Voila - co-parenting accountability without the emotional background noise.

Try it - let me know if it works for you.

Estate Planning Basic Information

2006-12-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

Estate planning is a topic that most of us would rather avoid. Part of maturing is facing these issues and providing for your children and your property which you have worked so hard to accumulate. Sometimes life's events trigger the desire to get this done and over with. During a divorce or after the death of a parent, estate planning may take on new meaning for you. We can simplify this process.

A living trust is a plan - a plan to care for your loved ones, your children and property - when you pass on to the next place in the journey of life. If you don't have a plan, your state of residence takes over. Think D.M.V. Do you want those folks handling your affairs when you go?

When a person dies, their estate is governed by probate, the legal process for paying their final bills, distributing their property and determining the guardian for any remaining minor children. Probate is a lengthy process, the average case taking one or two years to complete. Often assets are frozen pending Court orders. It is also costly with it's court, legal and probate fees. And, like most other court hearings, it's public record.

A living trust is an alternative to probate. Once established, with all of your property properly titled in the name of the trust, it's very easy for your successor trustee to handle your affairs. The process is much quicker, less expensive and more private than probate. There is no need for your assets to be frozen, no requirement about publication of your death be made and your affairs remain very private, a comfort to your family in their time of despair.

To get started on your estate plan, please visit the below link:
Divorce Wizards Estate Plan

December Divorce Drama

2006-12-15T16:54:00.000-08:00

In December, the divorce business is typically slow. Not many families are divorcing in December. With the stress and activities related to the holidays, most people are thinking - "after the first of the year" if they are thinking about it at all.

But those who do come in in December, are usually the most dramatic of the year. The December divorces often have to do with extra-marital affairs. This is the time of year when that extra holiday stress becomes apparent for the "other woman/man". Most marrieds feel they need to spend the holidays with their families, leaving the "other" to fend for themselves. This often creates a lot of drama in the extra-marital fling.

The December couples who come in are usually having an affair. They are either the affair-er (as in - I am having an affair and want to get divorced today) or the affair-ee (my wife/husband is having an affair and I am so over it now - how do I get divorced today). A bit of drama there - but these couples usually go quietly.

Then there is Tracy and Mark. Tracy and Mark have been married for 13 years, unhappy for 12 and a half. Tracy decided to take up with her neighbor across the street - neighbors are always a bad move! When Mark took the children skiing for the weekend, Tracy went on a love fest with her boyfriend. Tracy's BF bought her a pair of very sexy, black, stiletto boots while they were gone. And unfortunately, Tracy forgot to bring them with her. So the hotel contacted BF on his cell phone, but they could not reach him. So some eager employee contacted BF at his office. Since his daughter is working as his receptionist - she got the call about the black, high heeled boots that he had left in his hotel room. All the hotel wanted to know, was where to send the boots. So she asked her mother!!!

Needless to say, it was quite a scene when BF's wife got the report from the PI. Yes, that is your neighbor in those photos with your husband. Can you guess what she did when she saw the report - you got it - went immediately to Tracy and Mark's house to share with Mark. And since their kids all play together, they were sure to let the children know something sordid was going on.

Sordid December - may be slow - but sure has drama!

My Thanksgiving Day Blog

2006-11-24T17:13:00.000-08:00

Miriam came in to see me about divorcing her husband, Rabbi Jacques. Rabbi Jacques lives on the East Coast and Miriam moved back to CA about six months ago. While she and the Rabbi have their issues, she told me this really nice Thanksgiving story. Rabbi Jacques used to be a head honcho at a large, wealthy congregation where he received a large and healthy income. Tired of the politics and the inability to get anything done, Rabbi Jacques left and started his own congregation where all of his members saw things his way.

Some members of the Congregation went to the Urban Food Bank last week to help prepare meals so the hungry folks - I think they are now called food challenged or something like that - would have a hearty meal for Thanksgiving. At the Food Bank, Rabbi Jacques learned that 75 families would not be getting a Thanksgiving meal due to lack of funds. Cost to provide for all was another $2600.

Rabbi Jacques immediately picked up the phone - and in about 2 hours, he raised $1300 from his congregants. He went ahead and told the Food Bank to go ahead and order the food - he was confident his congregation would cover the rest of the bill.
Then he made some more calls and raised the rest of the money.

No committees, no consultants, no white papers - just simple acts of loving kindness. Our wish for you this holiday season is that you catch yourself doing simple acts of loving kindness. Even if you are angry at your spouse. A simple kindness goes a long way.

The 9 Year Old Restraining Order

2006-11-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

My client's 9 year old son Slate started to have some discipline problems in school. He was getting a little rowdy and being sent to the office or teacher on more than one occasion. When his mom quizzed him about it, he kept blaming Richie, one of the other kids. No matter what happened, when Richie was around, Slate got in trouble.

Mom told Slate that this was not an acceptable excuse. She told him that she holds him accountable for his own actions and that he can't keep blaming Richie. She let him know that he needs to stay away from Richie if Richie keeps "getting him into trouble".

A few days later, while she was driving him to school, she asked Slate about Richie and how that situation was going. He told her that he advised Richie that he was getting a restraining order against him and that Richie could not be within a five foot radius of him at any time.

it worked - --

Steve Nash is Having a Bad Hair Day

2006-11-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

I don’t think Steve Nash gets it. I know this blog is a stretch from divorce, but maybe someone will enlighten the great basketball coaches of our generation. When a player is having a bad hair day, they simply cannot win. They lose their focus from their game and focus on their bad hair.

Remember a few years ago, when the Lakers had one of their heartbreaking seasons – well Rick Fox was having a bad hair day – actually a bad hair season. He just could not figure out what to do with his hair. He tried a ponytail; pulling back the front ends into a ponytail and leaving the back hang down, blah blah. And no matter what, he just couldn’t get his hair right. Too bad Kwame Brown was not around at that time to show Rick the cool cornrow/braid combo that he has.

And now Steve Nash. Did you see what he did to his hair. Oh-my-gosh! That beautiful silky Steve Nash hair – the hair he so delicately pushed behind his ears – is now gone? Steve – how do you expect to get back in your game with that lousy hair cut? Last game against Memphis – only 11 points? Come on Steve, let your hair grow back so you can get into your game.

Is there a divorce message here? Yes - when your loved ones start acting or looking different, take notice and try to figure out what is going on. Chance are, there is some thinking going on that you haven't noticed. Things like people's hair or clothes are keys to better understanding who they are and how they are feeling.

The Attorney Trust (ha ha) Fund

2006-11-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

A client came in the other day asking me to help her complete some ancillary paperwork to her divorce. She need a Qualified Domestic Relations Order to divide her husband’s retirement plan and a wage assignment to have her spousal support sent directly from his employer to her bank account. She had just finished her two year, $9000 Orange County Divorce. I told her the time frame was about average and the cost was very reasonable compared to many others. Her attorney billed at $250 rather than $450 the going rate today in major metropolitan California areas.

Debbie told me that she and her husband sold their house about three weeks after the divorce began. They made a $300,000 profit and had agreed to split the net proceeds from the sale. Because they were still litigating, the funds went into Debbie’s attorney’s trust (ha ha) fund. About a year later, Debbie’s daughter announced the good news of her wedding – Debbie had to borrow money to give her daughter a wedding because her house money was still sitting in the attorney trust (ha ha) fund.

Debbie’s husband and his attorney signed the judgment for divorce in June and Debbie’s attorney finally got around to it in October. Since Debbie was unable to get through to her attorney to get her money, she found a friend of a friend who was willing to help… another attorney. So when he called Debbie’s attorney at 5 to 5 on Friday, Debbie’s attorney agreed to release Debbie’s funds. However, she was firing Debbie and refused to complete any more of the required paperwork for her. My good luck!

Oh – here is the ha ha part. Debbie did not receive any interest of her money. All the interest on funds in the attorney trust (ha ha) account goes to the California State Bar for the benefit of it’s attorney members.

Brittney broke the news via text messaging

2006-11-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

People often ask how to break the news to their spouse that they have decided to file for divorce. Tough question and the answer depends on your situation. I often suggest you tell your spouse at his best time of the day and week. Whether that be in the morning or the evening – weekday or weekend. I also suggest you take the entire blame – even though it is never one person’s fault. Take total responsibility. I never thought of suggesting a text message – IMDivorcingU! That sums it up! Both have requested sole custody in spite of the fact that joint custody is more favorable to the children.

Brittney had the benefit of the wisdom of her $1000 an hour Beverly Hills attorney in preparing an "airtight" pre-nuptial agreement. The new Mr. Spears would be extremely limited in his ability to benefit from the Brittster's fortune. Even gifts were designated as community and separate property. And his spousal support would be limited at about $150,000 per year of marriage - not bad for a bad singer anyway.

But nothing is airtight as we are finding out. Brittney's exhibitionism and ego ruined that. So Maybe she will not be sharing much money with hubby of the moment in their divorce settlement, but she will be paying him off bigtime - huge time - for not releasing those tapes. And where were those in the $1000 an hour prenup? Didn't Barbara Streisand have something in her pre-nup that didn't allow for any tapes or books to be published?

One area that are not addressed by pre-nups - because the State of CA rules this against public policy - is determinations of child custody and support. So this is where Mr. Spears will get Brittney - in the worst possible place - the children. So now they will be in the middle, big time. At least they are young and won't really understand what is going on - of course - until they get older and understand big time!

Broadcom Former CEO Henry Nicholas

2006-11-03T15:46:00.000-08:00

Is getting divorced. Now the thing about Henry is that he left his position at Broadcom corporation about two years ago so he could mend his relationship with his family. Huh? Who does that? Totally quits their job to spend time with their family. Henry, are you familiar with balance? Apparently not. The trick is to be able to have a successful family life while you are having a successful business life – what were you thinking? Did you really think if you totally concentrated on your family, you could fix something that has probably been broken for a long time? So now Henry, after two years, you are succumbing to become another divorce statistic. And you are also a neighbor of mine in Orange County, CA. The reason why Henry’s divorce was headlines in the Business Section was to point out the concerns when your spouse owns a share of your business. The article wisely recommends having some type of agreement so that an estranged spouse cannot undermine the inner workings of a business should divorce strike the principals. Good advice.

I Know Nothing Good Comes From Divorce...

2006-10-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

My friend told me that when she came to pick up her son from a play date with my son. She thanked me for keeping her kid all day; told me the baby took a long nap; and she and her hubby had a chance to talk and decided to get a divorce.

"I disagree" I told her. Often, not always, good things come out of divorce. Here are some examples. Sometimes, an uninvolved father turns into a really good dad when a stressful marriage is put to rest. Sometimes, either or both people may meet their soul mate and live happily ever after with them. Sometimes, the person without a career may develop a successful career which makes them more happy than staying home as a married.

Not true, I say. Many good things may come from divorce. Actually the woman who said that to me ended up reconciling with her husband. Once they were pushed against the wall, they decided to try to save their marriage. And why not? Marriage is something certainly worth saving. There are those who think the grass is greener on the other side – one divorced woman once told me that sometimes, there isn’t even any grass – only dirt. So certainly try to save your marriage if you can. If not, at least save the divorce. Go the peaceful route so you won’t need to hold on to bitterness for the rest of your life.

Whitney Houston, Welcome to the Neighborhood

2006-10-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

Just a few weeks ago, we welcomed Whitney to our neighborhood in Orange County. She moved here and filed for Legal Separation from husband Bobby. Then last Friday, we heard that she amended her legal separation to a divorce. We know why she did that – no mystery – although the media would have you believe otherwise – she probably didn’t meet the residency requirement for filing in Orange County – that is, living here for three months – so her only choice, if she wanted to file quickly, was to go for a Legal Separation and wait for the three months to pass, then switch to a divorce. She requested physical custody with Bobby Brown getting rights of visitation. That means the kids will live with her, right here in my neighborhood, and Bobby can see them according to the schedule they work out. Wonder what the child support will be? And how about spousal support? Who will pay whom?

Maybe we can find out and let you know

Paul McCartney, I'm available

2006-10-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

Can't say that I'm sorry that Paul McCartney is getting a divorce from Heather Mills. She never even heard of the Beatles when she was growing up -- so what's up with that. A few years ago, I watched a PM music video and saw how they interacted - very sarcastic and biting conversation - certainly not what the sweet Beatle deserved.

And now public allegations and accusations - isn't there enough money to go around for a nice quiet settlement. Why air the dirty laundry? Heather, Paul - have you not heard of confidential mediation? It's better for the kids - why should baby Beatrice need to hear all this.

When you get divorced, you should consider all the options concerning the process. One option is to mediate - another is to be a drama queen. Mediation is cheaper and less stressful. Drama queen/king is expensive, takes a long time, and hurts everyone around you, most of all you.