- The communication technique teaches couples how to confront one another directly, to develop empathy, to contain affect(specifically anger), to prevent interruptions, and to really listen carefully to their partner's issues with a view to understanding that person’s perspective differently.
- Prepare a list of small, unmet needs that you would like your partner to fulfill. Exchange lists and each of you do one or two a day. These tend to build positives into the relationship.
- Write down a description of your needs, values, beliefs and goals. Negotiate these with your partner and determine where each of you can negotiate or bend for the relationship.
- Learn what your hot buttons are and how to manage your anger. If you can’t do it yourself, there are techniques that specifically help overcome the anger.
- Take a look at how you spend your time then figure out how you can each have time apart and time together that is workable for both of you.
- Learn cognitive behavioral techniques to help you diffuse your feelings and view situations more rationally.
- If you have chronic regrets and resentments, write about them and the impact on your marriage; discuss with your spouse and your therapist.
- Carry around a tape recorder and tape your feelings instead of stating negative ones to your partner; tape your small arguments and listen to them when you are feeling less emotional.
- Write down your goals for changes in your and your partner’s behavior as a reminder that these are things you are working on together. Similar positive traits of the partner's personality can be written on the other side of the card as a reminder of these traits.
- Role playing scary situations or situations you already know will create tension and conflict is very effective.
These techniques are contributed by Dr. Carole Bardin, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Addiction Specialist. Carole has been in private practice in Newport Beach, CA with couples and families for the past 14 years. She uses a family systems approach combined with a cognitive behavioral focus to help families stay together. She believes her techniques actually enhance real changes in couples’ lives. Carol uses these and other exercises tailor-made for couples based on their individual histories and their experiences together which have created these negative patterns. Carole can be reached at 949-454-6314.
